When I Left Mr. Reveries for Ms. Forgiveness

Have you ever felt like nobody listening to your words? Have you ever felt like you are the first forgotten by your own mother? Have you ever felt like you can’t even tell your deepest secrets to a person who made you born to this world, i mean your  mother? Well, i think i have to ask those questions to myself first, because my answer would be definite YES.

I am Sara, 16 years-old, a movie freak, a bath-singer, an idiot, not-so-honest-kind-of-person, like to spent money alot at unimportant stuff, an ice cream addict, a family girls and the most important i am always being the first forgotten in my mom’s mind. Well, now i’m doing my second grade at the Senior High. I don’t really enjoy my senior high time actually. But most of people i met said that senior high is the most awesome moment in their lifes, when you will feel magic and you can feel how does it feels to be a mature person. Where you have to decide things and make the best decision in your life, because high school will decide are you going to be a succes person or not. The moment you will memorize for the rest of your life. But for me, Senior High is a place where you have to struggle everyday and be a better person every single day you step in to your class.

It doesn’t mean that i am not popular kid at school, well i am one of the popular kids at school. But i don’t feel comfortable when people looking me at me when i’m walking down the hall or when i am taking my lunch in the canteen. It feels weird to me. I don’t really like those famous kids at school, because mostly they do harsh things to other. I think i am the netral kid at school (FYI, you can count kids like me). Most of the kids like to be in a group and they have their own place where no one that non-of-their-groups can’t come in. It sucks you know. And it even amaze me that the teachers DO NOTHING about it. What a school!

I am famous because i am the nephew of the owner of my school which is my Uncle. He had no kids and he always think that i am his daughter. He loves me alot more than my mother do. Anyway talking about my mother i will tell you a bit about my family. I am the second kid in my family which is consist of 6 people including my parents. So i have one older brother, one younger brother and one younger sister. My parents get divorced when i was ten and that’s the moment that changed my whole life and the way i think about love. My brother, Oliver, and i live together with our mother after the divorce. My younger brother, Jack, and my younger sister, Alira, live together with our dad. We often meet, because we have a schedule of appointment when we meet twice a month every Friday in the second and the fourth week of the month. It is only twice a month because my dad live in different city so they have to make a long road to get to my city where we live. It is nice just to know that my father sacrifices his time and energy and money to meet us. I love my father alot than my mother because my father understands me more than my mother did. But i don’t really close with Jack and Alira because they are kids they are twins and they are only 7, i don’t really like kids eventhough i have to admit that they are reallysuperdupermega cute.

My brother, Oliver is really close with me since he decided to broke up with his girlfriends because she cheated on him after two and a half years of relationship. Another fact that changed the way i think about love. We like to watch new movies together every Sunday, we also have the same favorite taste of ice cream wich is mint chocolate, we like to spent our time talking about our dreams and he likes to talk about his problems, i think he is kinda a really open minded person, but i never told him about my stories and he never forced me to do that so i think he is fine with it. He always help when i have problems with school and he wouldn’t mind help me doing my homework until late night. It is awesome to have a brother like him. Right now he is at his last semester in the university, he is going to be an architect. That’s why he is really busy with his scription and i think it is my turn to help him. So i wouldn’t mind going to the library or bookstore to find the book he needed to be his referention. I think we have a really close brother-sister relationship.

What i don’t really understand is my mother. We are not close with each other, i don’t even remember her birthday and so does she. She even has no idea how old i am right now. She is really busy with her work. She is really often leave us alone at home when she is going for her work abroad and overseas. All i know about her job is that she holds the Executive Director for a huge oil company in our country. She is really loyal with us anyway, she wouldn’t mind gives us big amount of money and she never forget to bring merchandises from countries she had been visit. But that’s not what my brother and i need, we need attention, we need to be listened and we didn’t get that from our mother. Everytime we have report cards to be taken by our parents at school my father always make it. My teacher never even  met with my mother and thought that i don’t have a mother anymore, so i explained her that she is exist just never really care about my school things.

Today is my first day of school after summer holiday and like usual i wake up every morning at four and a half a.m. and so my brother. We take bath then we pray and we prepared our stuff for school then we walk downstairs to the kitchen to eat our breakfast. While we eating we like to watch news on tv to know all the new things in this world. And like usual my mother is not here. She is going to Japan now, i don’t know when she will come back and like usual i never really cared about it. After we finished eating then suddenly the telephone rang, i picked it up then i heard a voice, tada surprise it’s my mother. I was surprised because she made a sacrifice to ‘waste’ her time calling us. Then it goes to be a weird conversation

“Hello”, she said

“Ya, what happened mom?”, i replied

“Nothing, just remember that i have two kids i left at home”, oh thanks God she remembers she has kids, i whisper to myself

“What did you just say?”

“Just say thanks God for make you remember you have us here, at home waiting for you to come pationly”

“Well, i really am sorry for this. I miss you guys, i hope i will come home soon”

“Yeah, you come home soon then you leave us here for another job”

“How can you say those words to me?”

“Because i have mouth”

“What a rude words! I hope you will sorry for that”

“Well, i’m  not going to sorry”

“God, are your brother there? Let me speak to him. I hate talking to you”

“Oh awesome. What a beautiful words a mother ever say to her daughter. I hate talking to you too. It’s just wasting my time”

Then i just gave the phone to Oliver. I don’t know what they’re talking about, but i think they have a good conversation. Because Oliver answer the phone with laughing. Oliver and my mother really close. Because everytime my mother calls and i picked the phone and Oliver is not home. She always looking for Oliver. She always asks ‘Is he okay?’ or ‘Do you know where he going?’ and after i answer that questions she just closed the phone. Without even notice that i also need to be asked. I just want for once in my life she care about me, even just to ask simple questions like ‘how are you?’ or ‘do you feel good today?’. I think it’s just happen in my dreams not for real. After Oliver finished talking with his mother, like usual we are going to school and he drive me.

In our way school, he said sorry because he will be late coming home because he has some stuff with his friends. I said okay and we’re not say a word after that until i arrived in my school. I said thanks. He just smiled.

 There’s nothing special happened at school until it was time to lunch. When i made my walk to the canteen, I saw a big pink words written in the hall. It says ‘I LOVE YOU. WOULD YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND?’. I said what a crazy person did this, but i also curious with it. I didn’t have to be curious about it for a long time because in a sudden moment my friend, Curtis came in front of me holding a big bouqette of red rose. I was really surprised. Then he was down to his knees pulled my hand, kissed it and asked me would you be my girlfriend. That was the most embarassing moment in my life, because there was alot of people at the hall and everybody was looking at me waiting what kind of words will come out for my mouth. I don’t know what i have to say, i was confused. First, i like him for God’s sake he is really superdupermega cute, beside my twin brother and sister, i like him since the first grade and i never expected he would act the same. Second, i have two bad examples of love relatinship that made me afraid to have one. Third, i am not that mean to say no in front of many people like that. It will embarass him. Maybe he will angry to me and i don’t want to make enemy with other people. So instead of asnwering his question in the hall i pulled his hands and took him to a place in the back of our school, which is a bit quite and then i start the conversation.

“What are you thinking?”

“I am thinking to be your boyfriend so that we can date,” he replied with a big smile on his face.

“No, i mean what the hell are you thinking when you decided to ask me out in the hall where everybody are watching us!”

“I just hope that everybody will notice so there will be no boys asking you out because they know that you are mine.”

“So what do you want?”

“I want you to say yes and announce to everyone that right now we are oficially a couple”

“Do i have to answer it today, right now i mean?”

“Well, it’s all up to you”

I was thinking for a while eventhough i already knew what i supposed to say. It’s just to make it formal and to make me looks like i really think about it. ‘

“Ehm, i already decide”

“So what’s your decision?”

“But can i ask you first?”

“Just ask me”

“What if i say yes and what if say no?”

“If you say yes then i will be a good boyfriend and i will protect and help you and stand by your side no matter what happen”

“Then?”

“But if you say no i will be okay. Well, to be true maybe i will cry for a while but then yea, it’s okay i mean it is your decision. But i will always remember you. I think we are going to be a great friend still.”

“Well, i never meant to hurt you. But i really am sorry i can’t”

“Why you can’t?”

“You know that my parents get divorced and my brother broke up with her girlfriend after a long time of relationship because of things that i’m sorry i can’t explaine to you. It gave me somekind like different point of view about love”

“But you never know unless you try. And i can guarantee you that i am not a type of guy who will ditch you and cheat on you”

“Yea, i can see that you are such an honest and sweet guy. But i just can’t. It’s like i am way too young to start serious things like love”

“We can make it just fun and not being too serious with it. Just go with the flow”

“Why are you forcing me to say yes. You say it’s all up to me”

“Oh okay. I just really want to be your boyfriend so bad. I am sorry”

“I am sorry for ignoring you too. But i think it will be much more great if we stay to be friend with each other. It will be alot more fun”

“Okay, i agree with you. Mabe it will take years or more than that to love another girl”

“Jeez, if you know for the thruth i like you too, since the first grade even. Just i can’t be our girlfriend”

“Well, really? Wow it’s surprising me that you like me too and you just didn’t show it at all”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. Maybe you can find another girl better than me. Someone who  just simply love you for the way you are”

“Well, thank you so much then. Anyway this is, i have a bouqette for you”

“It’s really beautiful. Thank you so much. I love red rose. I appreciate it, really”

“It’s nice that yu love it. I chose red rode because i thought that mostly girls love red rose. But you promis that you will not ditch me and you still want to be my friend?”

“Of course yes, i will not ditch you and still want to be your friend. It is awesome to have you as a friend of mine, Curtis”

So he showed his little finger and i hold his little finger then. An he said he loves me and i just smiled. He left me alone then. What a day!

The school dismissed earlier as usual when it comes to the first day of school after a long holiday. So i went home alone by taxi. I arrived at home and i found that no one at home. So i took a bath, ate again and i did my homework. I finished all of my things at 5 o’clock p.m exactly. I called my brother and he said he will be home at 8. Well, three more hours to go. I was really sleepy that time but i decided no to go to bed, because i am afraid if i have to sleep when you are only alone at home. So i went outside to a rental near my house and borrowed a couple of CDs. I arrived at home made my own popcorn and then here i am, sitting nicely in front of our big TV.

Not so long after i finished my first movie, I heard my gate was open by someone. I was really afraid that time, i turn off my TV and stepped quietly in to the window to see if someone going to enter my house. It was really dark outside that night even it was only 7 p.m, so i can’t clearly see. I just saw a silhoutte of someone that i recognize by the size of its body. It looks like my mother but i thought it was impossible because right now she is in Japan, like i mention before. But i keep my positive thinking that it is possible my mom coming home.

Bingo! I was right. She shouted really loud, you can guess, yelling my brother’s name instead of mine. I was thinking to just going to my room, let her open the door by herself and found that her lovely son isn’t home. But because i am a great daughter i changed my mind. I ran to the door, opened it for her and helped her with her suitcase. But do you know what i regret after that, she got angry with me

“What are you doing with my suitcase?”

“Oh God mom i just want to help you”

“Help me or are you just gonna ask me whether i brought you merchandises or new stuffs?”

“Mom, can’t you just be a good mother for a while to me. I always trying to be a good daughter to you but you never noticed that. I’m the one who made your breakfast everytime you’re home, Oliver always tells you about that but you never believed me. You never, just for once, asked me whether i feel good or not. You always thinking about Oliver and Oliver and Oliver. You never know that it hurts me when you always remember Oliver’s birthday instead of mine. You never know that it hurts me more knowing that you came to Oliver’s graduation but you’re not there when i got my medal for Mathematics Olympiads. You’re not even, just for once, came to my room and checked it, when you always come to Oliver’s room every night when you’re home. You never know how hard i make my friends sure that you really do your jobs when you’re not home when my friends thinking that you’re out to date many guys outthere.You’re lovely son isn’t home this night. You never know how i really hope that by opening you the door and helping you tonight with your suitcase will just for a bit change your perception about me. I was all wrong in your eyes and that will forever be. I hate you for God’s sake. I never want to talk to you for the rest of my life anymore eventhough someday you’re dying. I hate you. I hate you. I don’t want to see your face anymore. You are a rude mother i ever know. It hurts me to the deep of my lungs knowing that i am your daughter. My life would be so much better without you”, I cried really loud and ran to my room after that. I don’t care with her anymore.

I slept that night with tears in my eyes. I woke up the next morning with big black mark under my eyes. I don’t care with my look anymore. I took a bath, changed my clothes and walked downstairs. I saw Oliver and my mom laughing in the kitchen, i passed them i keep walking to the door. I start to hate everyone that day. I hate Oliver too, because he never try to make his mother care about me just for a minute.

Instead of going to school i decided to go to my father’s house. I didn’t called him first just let it be a surprise, i thought. It took three hours to arrive to his house. But what makes me sad was when i arrived in his house, one of the neighbor next his house told me that he had left the house an hour ago to the hospital. Well maybe it’s just not my luck. I want to call my father when suddenly my phone rang and my brother’s number displayed on the screen. I decided not to picked it up, i turned off my phone. Why can’t everything just right for one moment in my life. When everything happens the way i want it. I don’t know which way i have to go when finally i heard those calming voice. Adzan. Oh how calming! Then i was looking for the nearest mosque, i found it. I looked up the sky before i came in and i realized that world is always beautiful no matter what kind of life you’ve been through. World is always smiling and always trying to lighten up and cheer up your days. It is only ourselves that saying world is a rude place or whatever.

I came in and then wudhu. It was so quiet inside. I prayed and i ask for forgiveness. I always lazy when i have to pray five times in a day. I never got a sensation like this. When you feel like something big, unreal touched your heart. You feel so quiet. Like every single thing around you move so slow, so you can pray more and more without worrying you will waste your time. Oh God how can i forget You. You are the only place i can share my stories. You are always there, guiding me and helping me through everything. You never forget about me when i forget about You. I always think that i can finish my own problems by myself when there was a power bigger than this world controlling every single thing in this universe. God, i hope i can fix my problem with my mother. I know that one of the biggest sin is when you yeling to your parent, especially your mother.

I wish i can feel this thing every day of my life. I promised that i will fix my way of praying after this and for the rest of my life. I will never forget You anymore. After i prayed, i decided to go to my house. But again when i arrived there was no one at home. No message at the door, not in the refrig not even in my room. Then i just remember that i turned off my phone. I turned it on quickly and then i saw 35 miscalls and 21 messages asking where am i today. I want to call my brother but i am afraid. Then i decided to go to the beach not so far away from my city. It’s already 5 p.m. It’s a bit quite there at that time. I looked up to the sky and then i start to sing B.o.b’s song

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now

I closed my eyes. I wish everything will be just alright after this. I was imagining all of my past memories, when we were still a complete family. When everything seems so perfect in my eyes. Nothing can ruin what my family already built. Then those shocking news came two days just before my birthday when they asked us to come to the living room and say that they’d already thinking really hard for it, and divorcement is the best idea for them. I didn’t know what to say, i just cried. My mother said everything will be just the same. I never expected to hear such a word. I thought it was only happen in the movie or somebody elses life. Not mine. But i was wrong.

Suddenly, my phone rang and itand i noticed that i was still on the beach. I woke up picked up my phone and i heard my brother crying on the other side of the phone. I never heard he got angry like that before

“What the fuck are you thinking to absence at school today?”

“Oh jeez, you care about me? That’s good, bro”

“You got to be kidding me. It’s not time for jokes, Sar. It’s not funny at all. Mom is at the hospital right now. Where the fuck are you? I am going there. Tell me where are you?”

“I am here”, i murmured to myself

I closed the phone. I decided to go to my uncle’s house. Thanks God he was home. I told him everything happened today. Start from when Curtis asked me to be his girlfriend, blah-blah-ing until now i was running away from my family. I told him that i really want to make everything just right, back like what it supposed to be. He let me cried for hours until i can’t feel my eyes anymore. He said it would be better for me to come to the hospital, speak heart to heart with my mother. Explained about everything i felt for the last five years after the divorce. But i also have to say sorry and listen to what my mom’s saying. I said i can’t because i got angry with her

“I will drive you to the hospital”

“No, don’t. I won’t. I just want to be here”

“No you can’t. You have to come to the hospital. She is dying. She needs you. She is your mother. No matter what happened, no matter what you’ve been said, she is and will ever be your mother”

“But what if she won’t talk to me too”

“Trust me she wants. You have to check her condition. You don’t even know is she okay or not, what kind of things happened to her until she’s dying now and need to be taken to the hospital. What a kid you are! Just imagine when you are a mother and you’re dying and you really need your daughter to come and see you. Visit you. Care a bit about you. Sacrifices their time just to know about their mother’s condition. Your mother needs you to give her motivation to keep alive. You are a human, you have a heart to feel emotion”

“But she never cared about me. She’s not even there in every important moments in my life. So why i have to be there when she needs me? I am the kid, i am the one who supposed to get motivation from their mother”, i cried

“You will regret your words, for God’s sake” my uncle angry with me too now, he left me alone in the living room.

I cried but i also thinking about everything happened in my life for the past five years. I am such a selfish kid just to think about my own happines and my own joy. It must’ve been really hard to be my mother to be a single parent. Work really hard to feed us. Make sure that she can fulfill our needs. She must be really tired but she never showed it in front of my face. I also remember that i always can buy everything that i want, when many of my friends can’t even buy new books for school. I am such a rude daughter. I hate myself. I hate everything i already said to my mother. I love her.

I called my uncle. I asked him whether he will drive me to the hospital or not.

“Is it too late for me to say sorry and make things right?”

“It was never too late to say sorry if you really mean it. Finally yo can be such a mature girl”, my uncle smiled to me

I arrange all the words in the car on our way to the hospital. I think about the good words to say sorry and to explaine everything to my mother and to family, of course. After we arrived my uncle took me to my mother’s room. Then i see my father and my brother sleeping in the waiting room. My uncle amost waking them up but i said he doesn’t have to. I just want to finish my problem with my mother first. I can explain it again to them later. It’s already 3 a.m in the morning. I know i’m not supposed to disturb my mother. But i just can’t hold it anymore. I have to talk to her as soon as possible. So i stepped in to her room. And i saw her sleeping nicely in her bed with alot of wire and things to help her to keep breathing was put all over her body. I cried suddenly. I never imagine to lost her. I don’t know what i can do to keep on living without her. I kissed her forehead. When she suddenly woke up. She was trying to say something but a thing in her mouth prevent her from speaking.

“I really am sorry mom. I never meant to hurt you. I don’t know that it will be like this. I wish i could take back all of my words i have said to you last night. But i know i can’t. It is impossible right to lick your own spit. I love you mom, no matter what happened. You are and you will ever be the best mom i ever know in my entire life. I will aways remember you to be my hero and my savior. It is all my fault. I am such a selfish girl just to think about my own joy and my own happiness. I never give a care to you. I really am sorry mom. I love you”

Her hand was shaking and she holds my hands really tight. She squeezes my hands. It seems that she won’t let go of my hands ad so do i. If i can i will stop the time, keep it that way. When our hands warm each other. I can see that she is also crying. She is trying really hard to smile but her lips just seems weird to me with that pipe. So i spent the rest of that early morning talking about everything had happened to me the day before. I told her that Curtis, the boy i always admire, asked me to be his girlfriend but i say no. It feels much more better to me this way. When i can say everything i want to say and my mother doesn’t have to interupt my words. She just listens and smile, she looks so beautiful but also really pale that night. She really pays attention to what i was saying. Oh God i wish everything will be like this after she get out from this hospital.

We talked much about everything until the doctor came and said that my mom needed some rest. I said i am sorry and i kissed her cheek and left her with the doctor. I promised to her that i will come back soon and i will bring her my special cake i make for her. She just smiles.

I went outside but i cannot found my father. I went to musholla and prayed for my mom. After i finished i decided to go home, in my way along that hospital’s hall i still cannot found my family. Maybe they just went to look for some foods. I went home alone by taxi when i found there were no one home. I took a bath and i decided to call my friend and ask for help if she may give my permission to the teacher because i cannot make it to go to school, my mother is sick. After i finished my thing, i cooked special cake for her, chocolate with many M&M’s. She loves M&M’s to death.

I put it on a special box with her name written on the box. I also bought her a boueqette of white rose. I clled my brother but no one picked it up. I understand maybe he was still angry to me. So i called a taxi and on my way to the hospital suddenly my brother called me. I picked it up

“I am in a taxi right now. I am going to the hospital. I just went home and i found nobody’s home”

“Oh well i just want to say i really am sorry for what i’ve said to you last night. I didn’t mean to say anything harsh like that. I just ...”

“Well, it’s okay, really. I understand it.I also really am sorry for what i’ve did to everyone last night and for this long”

“Okay Dad and i waiting for you here. Bye. Be careful”

He closed the phone. I looked to the sky from my window’s taxi, and i whispered softly Thanks God for helping me through everything. I cannot do every of these things without Your help.

I arrived at the hospital and i fastened my step to her room. I arrived and there i saw my father and Oliver sitting beside my mom’s bedroom. They’re both laughing. I knocked the door and everyone turn their head to see who’s coming. Then my brother come to my direction and he hugs me really tight. He gave me his bear hug. And I quickly release it because i remember i have my mom’s cake in my hand. I run to my mom’s bed and i kiss her and show her the cake. My father laughs and he kiss me. Everything seems so beautiful and pefect in m eyes. The doctor allow my mother to get out from the hospital for a moment to breath fresh air. I took her to the garden at the back of the hospital. She still has those pipes and wires on her mouth, all over her head and one on her back. She is not allowed to eat hard foods, she only drinks and eats liquids. The doctor said she had brain cancer and also lung cancer since five yers before and now it reaches stadium four. She will no longer with us anymore. The doctor predicted she will only make it until next month. So i am trying to make every single moment we spend bacome a quality time. Moments that i will remember for the rest of my life. To apologizes everything i’ve been done to her.

After we spent four hours there. Until the nurse asked me to take my mom back to her room. After i did that i said that i have to go back to home i want to take a bath. My Dad and Oliver decided to stay at the hospital to accompany my mom.

I was only at the hall not far from my mom room when then i heard that Dr. Phil was needed in room 409, it is an emergency situation. I didn’t notice that. When suddenly i heaard my borother screams. I just noticed that’s my mother room. But because suddenly many nures and doctors run to my direction. I  was confused. I can’t move, their body were all over my body. It was so noisy until i heard someone saying that it was too late. My mom got a sudden complication between her left lung and her heart. I was down on my knees. My eyes was looking down at the floor. It feels like the world was crushing on my feet. God, why you take her so fast. When everything starts to be perfect in my eyes, i hav to feel this way again. It seems that i haven’t do something worth it for her to remmeber on her last breathe.

I can’t cry anymore. I just stared at my mom’s room where i saw my brother screaming at the door. My father was trying to hold him really hard. I never saw him doing things like that before.

Oh God if i only knew that it will be like this i would never do things like what i’ve already did to her. If only knew...

Maybe i will regret this for the rest of my life ....